Photo taken in Budapest, Hungary
Good or bad?
Of all the traits I’ve learned about over the years, confidence is still one I can’t say I fully understand. Sure, someone might think they can spot it quickly—maybe after just a five-minute conversation.
Whether it’s the way someone dresses, how they walk, or the tone of their voice, it often comes down to a gut feeling. If I had to describe it based on my own experience, I’d say confidence shows up more as an energy someone gives off.
But even then, how do we know it’s confidence we’re seeing? Could it actually be something else—like enthusiasm, joy, optimism, or even hope?
And how long does it really take to decide someone is “confident”? Can a single interaction reveal enough to make such a big judgment?
In most cases, we’re probably just projecting our own assumptions onto them. Our minds naturally want to fill in the blanks, even when we don’t have the full picture.
That’s why I find the topic of confidence so complex. But it’s not just about not knowing whether we’re recognizing it correctly.
What I find most confusing is one simple question: is confidence something we see as good or bad?
At first, the obvious answer is that it’s good—there are countless books out there praising its benefits. And I do agree with that. Still, I can’t help but question whether our culture actually celebrates confidence as much as it claims to.
Do we see confidence as something to aim for, or something to be suspicious of? Why do confident people often get so much hate?
Too Confident
One reason confidence might be seen negatively is because many of us love to root for the underdog. When someone nervous goes up against someone polished and poised, we often side with the less confident one.
There’s also something inspiring about a comeback story. So when someone appears unsure of themselves, it’s easy to want to cheer them on.
But what happens when that same person puts in the effort, gains skills, and becomes the confident one in the end? Do we stop supporting them and move on to the next struggling figure?
Confidence isn’t fixed. It’s something we grow and nurture. Even if we feel confident in one part of our lives, that doesn’t mean it will always be there.
It’s like a fire you have to keep feeding, which you can use as a source of motivation when you need it the most. Even people who start with lots of confidence still have to work to maintain it.
That’s why I find it odd when someone is called “too confident.” What does that even mean?
What’s wrong with believing in yourself? Is the better option walking around full of self-doubt?
How would we get anything done? Sometimes I wonder if people prefer being around others who are less confident just so they can feel better about themselves.
Do we secretly want the same thing we criticize in others? Glennon Doyle puts it perfectly in Untamed:
“If you keep living with confidence, the rest of your life will unfold exactly as it is meant to. It won’t always be comfortable. Some will recognize your brave; others won’t. Some will understand and like you; others won’t. But the way others repond to your confidence is not your business. Your business is to stay loyal to you. That way, you will always know that those who do like and love you are really your people. You’ll never be forced to hide or act in order to keep people if you don’t hide or act to like them.”
Win-Win
One of the biggest reasons confidence is misunderstood is because people often confuse it with arrogance. Say one bold thing during a first meeting, and suddenly you’re labeled for good.
But a brief moment is never enough to truly understand someone. There are always factors we can’t see—mood, circumstances, or life experiences that affect how someone shows up.
We also can’t always tell what someone meant by their words or actions. Most of what we see in others only scratches the surface.
And let’s not forget: how we see others often reflects how we feel about ourselves. Sometimes, our judgment is more about us than them.
Still, it’s important to know the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is about believing in yourself. Arrogance is about thinking you’re better than others.
Arrogance discourages. Confidence inspires.
How often are we motivated by someone else’s belief in themselves? Confidence creates a win-win: it lifts us and inspires us to lift others.
If someone sees only arrogance, it might be because their own insecurities are getting in the way. Real confidence celebrates others. It cheers loudly and means it.
Marianne Williamson said it beautifully in Return to Love:
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
What You Dare to Be
A common myth about confident people is that they believe things will always go their way. But I’ve learned that confidence isn’t about being certain—it’s about believing in what’s possible.
The word confidere in Latin means “to have full trust.” Confidence is about trusting yourself enough to try.
It’s giving yourself permission to believe that success is possible. There’s nothing arrogant about that.
Of course, confidence doesn’t grow just by thinking about it. Like any skill, it grows with action—especially actions that push us outside our comfort zones.
Whether it’s taking on a hard project or leading something important, it’s the willingness to keep going that builds trust in yourself. Confidence grows the more you show up.
Eventually, that self-trust turns into a quiet strength others can see. Real confidence shines because it’s rooted in kindness and support for others.
Once you’ve learned how to silence your own doubts, it’s hard not to want to help others do the same. Confidence makes room for that.
Wim Hof says it best in The Wim Hof Method:
“I saw that it’s all a state of mind, and that confidence is a form of trust. It’s like a bet you place on yourself. You tell your body what to do, and your body echoes back and says, yes. Mind and body are in sync.”
Nothing to Lose
When I think about everything that goes into confidence, it makes sense why the topic feels so complicated. Perhaps the true meaning of confidence got lost along the way.
Maybe confidence has been judged unfairly, while secretly serving a greater purpose. Maybe some people only dislike it because they don’t understand it.
I’ve experienced both sides—feeling confident in some areas of my life while struggling in others. And if I had to choose, I’d always pick the former.
It’s hard to chase your dreams without believing in yourself. How can you reach for something if you can’t picture yourself ever getting there?
We limit our lives when we don’t believe we can do more. And those limits don’t just affect us—they influence the people around us, too.
Our mindset is like a ripple. It affects the energy in the room. Every day, we get to choose: do I hide, or do I show up fully as myself?
Hopefully, no matter how confident we feel, our true selves come through. Because as the saying goes: nothing real can be threatened.
And if our confidence is real and honest—how could that possibly be a bad thing?
