Photo taken in Berlin, Germany
Feeling Seen
I used to think that feeling misunderstood had everything to do with the person in question. In my naivety, I figured that if someone struggled to find common ground with others, the problem stemmed from that same individual’s language or communication skills.
I wonder if this originates from evolutionary behavior; the use of blame to “other” those who refrain from sticking to the lure of groupthink. With our tendencies as social creatures, it’s not exactly unheard of for the majority to target the one who “fails” to fit in with the crowd.
Naturally, or perhaps unnaturally, it’s not difficult to revert to such a tactic, which I deem easy and dangerous. To me, this is the kind of quick-fix solution that fosters a sense of social isolation, negative self-talk, and unhealthy self-criticism.
Now, I can’t help but look at this from a different perspective. I question why, for some, the most logical-sounding approach is to find fault in the shortcomings of those unique individuals, as if their sole aim were to remain in this disorienting sense of disconnection.
There’s a lot more behind misunderstandings, the barriers of communication that divide a culture, if we fail to notice when they creep into the space we share with others. Here are ten obstacles to look out for in building a culture where all members feel seen, valued, and respected.
1. Filtered Perspectives
The more we absorb, the more information we have to fill in the gaps automatically. This is likely to happen when we’re not paying attention, unconscious of the ways we’re interpreting someone else’s insights through our own personal lens.
It also doesn’t help the fact that people have different relationships with certain words and form associations without even realizing it. Of course, we can’t help having life experiences, assumptions, and beliefs, but learning to get cognizant of whether they might be distorting our listening skills is essential.
2. Egocentrism
There’s nothing that breaks a culture like the unwillingness to take on contrasting points of view from one’s own. When people assume that everyone around them shares the exact thoughts, feelings, and worldviews, the “I” over “We” shift begins.
The very act of prioritizing personal validation over the values of the collective undermines the reciprocity that holds a community together. Consequently, this only leads to transactional and self-serving behavior, preventing a unified sense of belonging.
3. Toxic Competition
While competition itself can be useful, especially for self-improvement, things can get out of hand when it underscores a mentality in which you must win at all costs. This occurs when self-preservation and zero-sum outcomes are valued more than what a group successfully achieves as a whole.
As a result, psychological safety gets eroded since the fear of failure enters the dynamic along with the sense that “winning” means someone else has to “lose.” In the long run, this destructive mechanism can lead to stifled creativity, burnout, siloing, and a lack of inclusion.
4. Uncertainty Avoidance
One core facet that keeps a community together is its shared survival mechanism. When people stay aligned in how they choose to handle risk and ambiguity, their communication and mutual trust have a greater chance of remaining intact.
A clash in tolerance levels for fear and uncertainty can create friction in which certain members feel much more threatened than others. By practicing transparency and an open dialogue, people have a greater chance to feel safe, engaged, and on the same page.
5. Past Trauma
As we encounter more and more people in our lives, the last thing we should assume is that we know their complete story. It’s too simple to evaluate the persona of someone in front of you, all the while thinking you have them figured out enough to base your treatment towards them on your overall perception.
No matter what culture we are a part of, one thing we know we can always count on to be true is that humans are complex and layered. We have no clue what someone is going through, so it’s important to lead with compassion and avoid harmful assumptions before we’re given the chance to get to know people on a deeper level.
6. Ignoring Thinking Styles
Another barrier that can disrupt a group’s potential is overlooking cognitive diversity. Regardless of where you are in the world or which room you’ve temporarily entered, there’s a chance that you’ll be surrounded by those who think differently from you.
The truth is that we live on a planet of people with varying blends of thinking styles, which include analytical, conceptual, practical, intuitive, and more. Forgetting this fact alone pushes out talent and ideas that might actually be the key to the solutions we’re looking for.
7. Ethnocentrism
From my point of view, I think any use of ethnocentrism might be the most harmful barrier to any culture. This happens when we judge another’s culture through the collective lens of our own while treating the norms, values, and perspective of our upbringing as the universal “right” way.
It’s very obvious when this is entrenched in the community you’re in because it stifles intercultural communication, promotes stereotyping and prejudice, justifies cultural imperialism, and supports an “Us vs. Them” mentality. Personally, this is one of the most challenging experiences to deal with, particularly for expats encountering this while living abroad.
8. Gossip
Nothing destroys transparency and trust more than secretly whispering and judging people behind their backs. Whether you’re participating in it or not, just its presence alone shatters psychological safety, where people will naturally worry when their turn is next.
Rather than focusing on making an impact, gossip distracts members with drama while pitting people against each other using in-group and out-group dynamics. When left unaddressed, it also erodes respect for leaders because it silently signals that talking about people’s private lives is acceptable.
9. Bullying or Spotlighting
It goes without saying that intent doesn’t dictate impact, especially for those familiar with targeted behavior, no matter how subtle. Even if someone means well, spotlighting or aggressively drawing an audience’s attention to someone does more harm than good.
The psychological effects are similar to bullying since it can trigger emotional scars from using the same mechanics that take away one’s privacy and increase anxiety while creating an environment of public judgment. In many ways, it dehumanizes a person into a spectacle, creating a power imbalance that can debilitate them with a weakening sense of control.
10. Invading Boundaries
I once stumbled on an analogy that I think fits perfectly with respecting others’ boundaries. The “Marble Jar Theory” is an idea popularized by Brené Brown in her book, Braving the Wilderness, where she explains how trust is earned and built in relationships through consistent acts of reliability, confidentiality, and kindness.
She came up with the concept after her daughter came home in tears over “friends” spreading private information that she shared behind closed doors. Building on this idea further, she developed the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G to break down the anatomy of trust:
- B – Boundaries: You respect my boundaries, and if you are not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask.
- R – Reliability: You do what you say you are going to do (both in relationships and in the workplace).
- A – Accountability: You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
- V – Vault: You hold confidentiality; you don’t share information or stories that are not yours to tell.
- I – Integrity: You choose courage over comfort and act from a place of truth.
- N – Non-judgment: I can ask for what I need, and you can share how you feel without fear of judgment.
- G – Generosity: You assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behaviors, and you check in when there is a misunderstanding.
To the Misfits
While I used to loathe being misunderstood so much that it made me feel like an alien at times, I’ve realized that it’s actually quite a common experience. Maybe someone misunderstands us because they’re clinging to their beliefs and refuse to give our idea a chance, or maybe they simply aren’t familiar with the angle we’re trying for size.
Nevertheless, the older I get, the more I come to respect that seeing things differently is not necessarily a bad thing. No matter how much you might struggle with being the misfit that you are, at the end of the day, you bring value and a voice to something far more important than what anyone chooses to whisper behind your back.
